Haven’t written anything in almost 3 weeks which in comparison to how long I’ve been in Switzerland...is a long time! Sorry about that guys but my mind’s been occupied elsewhere for the last couple of weeks. Lots of things have happened in 19 days. Kissed a boy, met a prince, got a killer cough, went skiing, got a flesh eating disease, went to a Swiss hospital and my favourite, found myself again. Sounds really corny but sometimes life is just a tad corny and I like it like that :) Just a disclaimer cause this is about to get real gay!
First thing – boy I kissed is Reto. So after our kissing to prove a point, we did find ourselves on his bed having a little kissing party on pub night 2 days later... and then the next night as well. It was on the second night that I realised my mind was on someone else even though I had a boy right next to me. Kind of a bad feeling really; wishing you’re with someone else even though you’re with someone already. So that put an end to anything that might have eventuated with Reto. It’s good between us now, never awkward when I’m over at Allison’s. I’m good like that.
S this other boy is a prince – I can’t stop thinking about him. I didn’t even see him coming but he swept me off my feet so easily and sucky thing is, I fell straight on my ass. Haha. He’s amazing; everything I could ever want in a boy. We had a really good night together and I liked him so much. I got all those butterflies when he held my hand and that warm fuzzy feeling when he kissed me. I’d forgotten what it was like to like someone. I’d forgotten all those good feelings you can have but I also forgot the bad ones that came along with it all. He brought them all back for me. Here’s the problem. He lives an hour away from me and it’s extremely expensive for us to see each other. It gets worse, he leaves the country in July until December for an international internship. When he went home the next day and I realised all this, I had the worst empty hollow feeling which took me down for a good week. I completely panicked and acted like (sorry ladies) a girl, over analysing everything and getting down about things that I started making up in my head. I want to laugh about it now because the previous day, I had just told a friend not to do exactly what I was doing. It’s amazing how bad we are at taking our own advice... well how bad I am.
Luckily I went skiing that weekend which took most of my mind off it. Had a great weekend learning how to ski and rolling down the mountain. I was bruised and sore but I had the best fun. The most satisfying part is actually getting the hang of it and skiing down the entire mountain without doing the triangle stop at the end of the weekend. It’s always funny when skiing to see the pro Swiss 5 year olds zooming down the mountain while we 20 something oldies have our legs bent inwards trying to stop. The place, Ovronnaz, was absolutely amazing and so beautiful. It really was a little bit of paradise in the middle of Switzerland. The weekend was a good distraction for me but unfortunately, a little cut on my face got infected and developed into a flesh eating disease. What started of as a very little cut grew to about 6 times its size by Monday and looked like the flesh was still being eaten. I spoke to Hieu back home and got his medical expertise and found out it’d gotten infected . All I needed was antibiotic cream which required a doctor’s prescription. That was scary, going to a Swiss hospital and waiting for 3 hours to see a doc for 5 mins only to have him tell me exactly what Hieu had already told me but I got the prescription and got some cream on it. It really was starting to look scary – people stared on the train to the hospital. It’s doing fine now, mostly gone.
Alright so back to the boy. Haven’t seen him since I sent him home and fell into my hole of despair but I have spoken to him. We don’t talk about us or how we feel and I don’t really want to do it over msn but hopefully he’s coming to see me again next week. Hopefully. A few guys asked me out over the last week and I almost said yes since me and him aren’t together. In fact we haven’t even talked about us... and it doesn’t seem like there can be an us. I was really confused over the last week about exactly how I felt. After some good advice from Asher (Lol I know!) and some serious dish washing and room cleaning (it’s what I do to think) I figured out alot of things about me.
I don’t know if you guys remember what I was like before I met Mitch but I was a very different boy with some very naive ideas. After Mitch, I kind of buried every feeling I had so I could recover and now there’re all back so it was a bit hard to handle it all at first. I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I missed being that naive boy. And I miss what I use to be like and what I use to want because that’s who I want to be. (Aw how melodramatic!) Okay so you guys probably won’t understand a thing I’m saying now but here’s the important thing. I like a boy now, and even though I don’t know where we stand and know that we probably don’t have a future, I don’t want anyone else. I’m a one man man. Haha.
Hmmm okay I give people permission to judge me harshly at this point because I’ve obviously gone loopy. But one thing I did realise is that I haven’t been this happy in a while. I’m a bit sad because I know it’s probably a dead end but at the same time, I’m glad that I got a chance to meet him and I’m glad because I also feel like I know who I am now, and where I’m going and okay okay I get it... I’m being completely gay so I’ll stop.
I can feel again!